Boundaries and relationships

Apr 24, 20134 min read

Deviation Actions

Published: Apr 24, 2013

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The book 'Boundaries' has given me a lot to think about, and these are some notes and thoughts I figured I would share.
Relationship is one of our primary needs. Without boundaries, relationships quickly become dysfunctional.

A great way to understand how boundaries create functional relationships is to look at living organisms - an organization of organs working together to make a functional unified body. Take the human body. The first boundary is the skin which regulates temperature and protects tissue, while allowing bad to exit. Next is the fascia. It encases muscle tissue at every level of division. From the whole thing, to the individual muscle bellies, to the fasiculi, to the sarcemores. The boundary encasing these individual units allows for intricate movement without other muscle fibers causing interference. Imagine a body with poorly designed boundaries.

Veins leaking old blood into arteries carrying oxygenated blood. The liver leaking bile into the small intestines. The stomach leaking stomach acid all over the abdominal wall, while the spleen is attempting to do the job of the kidneys. Every system would be compromised if there was a breakdown of boundaries in any of the major departments.

The film industry works under this same model, and they get a hell of a lot done. Departments are often butted up against each other, working as a unified team with clearly defined rolls and responsibilities. Without firm boundaries the crew would be an inefficient mess of pissed off individuals.

The same is true in our social relationships.

In the book I'm reading the author gives an example of poor boundaries with two Neighbors who lived side by side. One guy did all the watering. The guy next door didn't do any watering. The guy who did the watering let his water out all over the other guys lawn, so the guy who didn't do any watering had a green lawn, while the guy who did all the work had a brown lawn. On top of that, the Neighbor's healthy grass was getting long, so the first guy figured he better cut it too, reasoning that it was the loving thing to do.

Eventually the relationship became strained. The first guy was robbing the guy next door of a responsibility that was rightfully his, then resenting him for not returning the favor. "Some people are so self centered", he would mutter. The second neighbor was getting annoyed with the first neighbor's interference, and guilt inducing remarks that would come out every now and then. He was going to be installing a rockery that summer anyway.

Boundaries is about knowing where you end and others begin.

"That guy gets under my skin" is an expression that describes two people with poor boundaries. One person isn't setting or enforcing boundaries, the other is crossing them. Any confusion as to ownership and responsibility is a boundary problem, and both parties incur injury.

Releasing ownership, control or agreement over someone else's feelings, and opinions, is a huge step in regaining ownership and control over yours.

What about help? Does this mean that helping each other is crossing lines?

Of course not. Sometimes we need help or are in the position to help.
But what if they need it and won't listen to me?
Let God deal with you, let God deal with others. That's his domain. The Lord saves, convicts, and works on our hearts.

Demanding help or forcing help on someone that says ,"no thanks" is pushing the limits by disregarding their rights and undermining their free will.

Once you clearly define what is within your jurisdiction of ownership and responsibility, boundaries get easy. If boundaries are defined, tight community is possible.