N8grafica

Stopping at a bluff overlooking the river, to lose himself in the melody of her song, and the light of the sun bouncing of her rippling surface, he picked his nose.  Rolling the snot between his fingers, he fell deep in thought. He found his mind wander to thoughts of Jesus.  Did some people get high to connect with this world class Deity?  Why was he so popular?
Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a folded piece of paper. On the page were written a list of fresh phone numbers belonging to cute real estate agents he had seen on bill boards. He had already been with a handful since collecting them.  
Ripping up the page he let those numbers scatter into the river like ashes of his former self.  He promised himself that he would do two things.
That these two things would guide him on the path. Just as the river bed guides the river which she carries, so too the river carves the river bed which carries her. From there she finds a way to the ocean. He knew that wholeness is connecting with the whole and that ultimately the entire process from the galaxies, to the day to day events was something that he was a part of as much as anything else. So he thought about the two things that would guide him, and searched for the paper they were written on. Turns out they were written on the back of the page with the phone numbers.  He was ok with renting anyway.

A life from the past. My inspiration is a painting that belonged to my grandma:

You are the one who's heart is far
It took so long to find us where we are
To hide my love that we do not share
I avoid your eyes like I just don't care

We were friends in a life long passed
And a story it was that was done too fast.
A time when I knew I could just be me
Not trying to impress, just sipping our tea

Our work was hard, but our love was so sweet
We used the same plate and sat on the same seat.
Our tent had a rip from where a tree fell
Life in the highlands, just me and my gal.

Eventually we built a house on a farm
Got a white goose to add to the charm
Each night you laid your head on my chest
Lovers forever needing some rest

Work out of town called me away
I still remember leaving that day
The morning was dark but you stood at the door
as I got the cart ready and hooked up the horse

Waiving your hand and wishing me well,
That life would change for me and my gal.
I never came back is how this tale ends
But now it starts over,  maybe we can be friends?

And one day, we will figure out how much we could have loved each other during the half lifetime we spent together, but not until those years are long over and the other is out of reach.
From a distance we will have the perspective to understand what could have been and what it would have taken on our parts and not just the other.

Happy Valentine's Day to the man with one of the biggest hearts I know. I'm grateful for the friendship we shared in the past and for your perseverance during the hard times. Keep sharing your gift with those you  meet. I know what it's like to have conflicting feelings. To be at war with myself, to feel like something is broken, to want to just be able to function with the world around me without that strange disconnect, and I know that your struggles have been real for you also. I also know that from your struggles to love yourself fully you have wanted to impart comfort and clarity to others who are trying to figure it out. I'm so sorry for the pain involved in what I hoped would be a peaceful parting. I had such an inadequacy in my ability to handle and process the situation. Be blessed where ever you are -Nate.